Friday, September 9, 2011

The Letter

About a week after we mailed off our pre-app with Catholic Charities, we received a letter from them acknowledging their receipt of our application.  Much to our surprise, the letter encouraged us to continue to research other adoption methods/agencies.  We were completely puzzled by the letter.  Why would an agency encourage us to search out other options?  I was a little unsettled, but Blaine became really discouraged by this.  I tried to reassure him that it was just their way of telling us to make certain that we wanted to work with them.  As days went on, Blaine became restless.  He just didn't feel right about this.  The more he expressed his concern, the more I became concerned.  We wondered, is this the right decision?  So, we decided to make another appointment with Catholic Charities to express our concerns and hopefully get some answers.

We learned that the time line for the completion of the adoption was a lot different than we had imagined.  Catholic Charities encourages their clients to explore all avenues because it is such a long wait, and they want to make sure that each couple is 100% sure of their decision before moving forward.  The details of their procedures are confusing, to say the least, so I won't try to explain them here.  In a nutshell, it became clear to both Blaine and me that this wasn't a good fit for us.

So, what now?  We were both discouraged and confused.  To add to my discouragement and confusion, I became FITFUL.  I was more anxious than words could ever explain.  It felt like we were back at square one, with no direction.  I couldn't see it at the time, but God was working.

In the midst of my inward turmoil we attended a Shane and Shane concert.  For those of you who know us well, you know we LOVE the Shanes.  Anytime we have the opportunity to see them live, we are on the front row.  I was looking forward to a time of enjoyment, where I could leave my worries behind.  Shane Barnard's wife, Bethany Dillon, was also there that night.  She is one of my favorite Christian female artists, so I was excited she was there, too.  She hasn't released an album in a few years, so she mostly sang familiar songs.  But, she shared one that she had just written.  It was called "to those who wait."  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  It was exactly what I needed to hear, as if God was speaking directly in my ear.  I began to sob as I listened.  As hard as I try, I can't seem to remember the exact lyrics, but the song talked about not being quick to leave, and filling your lamp with oil... as if to say, wait all night, as long as it takes, just wait.  God reminded me to be still and wait on Him to guide us.  And so began a season of prayer and waiting for direction.  We weren't sure where we were to go next, but God made it clear to us that He would lead us, if we would but wait on HIM. 

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