Monday, September 5, 2011

Devastating News

The day Blaine and I found out that infertility might be an issue for us was a very dark day.  A flood of emotions encompassed us as we rehearsed the news in our minds; we felt sadness, confusion, uncertainty, and most of all intense grief.  I always assumed that I could have a baby whenever I felt ready.  So when I was told that it may not be possible, I was quite simply, stunned.  I immediately thought, this can't be happening to me.  God showed me, in a very real and personal way, that life is a gift FROM HIM.  Having children is not something 2 people make up their minds to do; God is the giver and creator of life, and He ordains ALL things.  I know what you must be thinking..... DUH, everyone knows that, but I finally realized what that really means.  It was from that moment that the Lord began an intense reconstruction in my own heart and mind.  At the time I couldn't see where He was taking me, but looking back now I can, as scripture teaches, count it all joy.  

It was no accident that the week after we received this unsettling news, we were to spend a week at a Bible retreat.  This afforded us the opportunity to share our burden with some of our dearest friends in the Lord.  Not only was it helpful to be able to pray with others in this dark time, we were able to spend 4 days immersed in God's word.  It was exactly what we needed.  

In the days following the news from the doctors, I remember feeling as though the Lord was using this experience to sort of push us into the commitment to adopt.  After all, thinking about adopting and following through are quite different.  We had always thought about adoption, but I felt the Lord confirming in my heart that it was time to do it.  Blaine felt that very same urge.  Even though the thought of adopting a child brought a little relief to my heavy heart, I still felt fearful.  I still couldn't bear the thought of not having "my own" children.  From the time I was a little girl, I had always imagined what my life would be like.  Now I was realizing that the life I was living didn't match my picture.  It became a struggle for me to let go of what I had in mind and embrace what God had in store for us.  He began to teach me how to love what HIS PICTURE looks like.

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