Hard to live it - even harder to re-live it

It has been 4 months since my last post. I fully intended 4 months ago to begin opening up and sharing the "real" story of our adoption and what it looks like on a daily basis. I don't know how to explain why I haven't started sharing except that it is just plain hard. Hard to live it, even harder to re-live it. I spend most days looking forward to the little things that help me escape, like tending to my flower garden in the evenings or watching a cheesy love story on Netflix, and the thought of sitting down to write about things I've tried hard to forget sounds more like torture than therapy. But, I keep telling myself.... you need to do this, it will be good for you, it will be good for others, so here I am again.

I find it difficult to know where to begin. The trouble with sharing something so deep is, to be blunt, it's a lot like throwing up, once you start you can't stop and you're left with a nasty mess to clean up! If I'm being honest, I am fearful of the nasty mess my sharing will leave behind. However, bottling everything inside feels like a poison eating away at my very soul. Regardless of how it makes others feel, or how it makes me "look," it must be said.

To avoid "word vomit" and scattered, disconnected rambling, I feel it best to use the video I shared in my last post, regarding reactive attachment, as a guide. In the video, Todd Friel listed 20 characteristics that are common in adopted children who experience reactive attachment. Out of the list of 20 characteristics, there are only one that we have not experienced with our girls. In the event that you haven't seen the video, the characteristics are listed below. I will choose at least one characteristic as a frame of reference for each blog post. 

I do want to point out that, no matter how negative some of these stories may be, I have never known the Lord like I know Him now. That is not to say I have achieved perfection in my walk with Christ, but it is a confession that I have never needed Him the way I need Him now. I can say with full confidence that His strength is made perfect in my weakness, because I am so weak. No matter how difficult my days are, I lay my head on the pillow each night knowing He has called me to this task and He is refining me through the flame, and to know Him and to experience Him in this way is worth all of the pain - ALL of it. I hope that sharing my experiences can, in some way, be an encouragement to someone who is struggling to hold on to the Lord in the midst of their "storm." He is near. It is dark, but He is near. Hold on to His promises.

20 Characteristics of Reactive Attachment:

1. Superficially engaging and charming
2. Lack of eye contact on parent's terms
3. Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers 
4. Not affectionate on parent's terms
5. Destructive to self, others, and material things
6. Cruelty to animals
7. Lying about the obvious
8. Stealing
9. No impulse controls
10. Lack of conscience
11. Abnormal eating patterns
12. Poor peer relations
13. Preoccupation with fire
14. Preoccupation with blood and gore
15. Preoccupation with bodily functions
16. Persistent nonsense questions and chatter
17. Non-stop demanding of attention
18. Triangulation of adults
19. False allegations of abuse
20. Creating chaos

Reactive Attachment Disorder

This video is a great segue into what I will be sharing. Todd Friel's zany personality aside, this video couldn't be more accurate. If you have 20 minutes to spare, please watch this very informative presentation of Reactive Attachment Disorder (R.A.D.).

2 Years Later

February 7, 2015 marked 2 years since we adopted, what where then, 12 year old and 10 year old sisters from Colombia, South America.  I blogged about our entire journey leading up to the placement of these girls in our home but after much consideration I decided to refrain from sharing our story in such a public way.  The reasons which led me to this decision were many, but my primary reason, to be quite honest, was fear. 

What would people think?  How would people feel?  Those precious people, who with love and their own pocketbooks sent us to fetch these 2 girls, how would THEY feel if they knew the REAL story?  Because let me tell you, the reality of our day to day life in no way matched up to the fantasy that even we had succumbed to.  No matter how many adoption seminars you attend, how many books you read, how many people tell you not to, or even how many times you tell yourself not to, you still have expectations.  Not only do you unintentionally develop expectations, of how you’ll bond and the beautiful family you’ll become, but you live a daily struggle to let go of them.  You try, oh how you try, to let go of the expectations, and with each disappointment you ultimately do… just like each tear that falls from your eye and rolls down your cheek, you let go of each expectation, one by one.  

  

Then there’s the pain… the pain that comes with adopting 2 (almost) teenagers is big enough, but to re-live the pain to tell our story, that was too much for me to bear.  But as it turns out, bottling everything inside doesn’t feel so hot either.  

For more than mere therapeutic reasons, what leads me to my decision to speak up 2 years later is, I want people to know the truth.  With international adoption within Christian families on the rise, I feel that the truth is not only beneficial, it’s crucial.  If only it were easier to speak the truth, maybe I would’ve said it sooner.  And as hard as it is for me to say what’s true, it will be that much harder for you to receive it.  I’m reminded of the scripture “This is a hard saying; who can hear it?” (John 6:60b) The truth can be perplexing and hard to receive.  As we see in another scripture the truth is also “sharper than a two-edged sword,” (Hebrews 4:12). The truth can be divisive.  My prayer is that as you read what I share, you will not turn a deaf ear, nor will you be offended, but rather you will accept it as an outpouring of my heart through a difficult experience.  You may not agree with my story, but after all it is mine to tell.

Where do I begin?  It would be difficult to say everything that I’d like to say in one sitting.  Not only would it be emotionally taxing, but it would be more along the lines of a novel than a blog post.  So, I’ve decided to just share… however it may come out, in whatever order it comes.  I hope that it will be beneficial, but I cannot promise that it will be uplifting.  But the Lord is able… “able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think,” (Ephesians 3:20) may He use what I share for the furtherance of His Kingdom and the edification of His saints.

Until next time…   


 

Familia Para Siempre

In 2 weeks it will mark 4 months since we welcomed 2 girls into our family forever.  Has it really been that long?  In some ways it seems to have gone by so quickly, in other ways it feels like our time in Colombia was a lifetime ago.  Some of you may be questioning why it has taken us so long to update our blog and part of the reason is life never slowed down long enough to afford us the opportunity to blog! The other reason is the topic of our blog post today.  Let's take it from the top...

On Wednesday, February 6, at 10:50 a.m. we boarded a plane and embarked on the journey known as parenthood.  We landed in Bogotá, Colombia late Wednesday evening and laid our head on the pillow for the last time as a family of 2.  Early the next day, on February 7, we saw our girls face to face and held them in our arms for the first time.  It was the most surreal moment I have ever had in my life.  It was the day we had always imagined, the day we had waited for for over 16 months, the day we thought would never come, and that day was finally here!  It was the first day of 42 that we spent in Country.  The first 11 days was a period of bonding for our family, where nothing related to the adoption took place.  On the 12th day, we met with the defender of minors for a brief interview to ensure that everything was going well and that the entire family was happy and willing to move forward.  After the interview, we all signed an agreement to move forward as a family and so began the waiting period to pass court.  We passed the time by swimming in our apartment pool and sight seeing in and around Bogotá.  Some of our favorite places we visited were Monserrate , La Candelaria , Catedral de Sal , Iglesia de San Francisco , Museo de Santa Clara , Iglesia del Carmen , Cascada la Chorrera , and  DiverCity. Some of our favorite restaurants were Crepes and Waffles and  Mi Gran Parrilla Boyacense.  There is so much beauty in Colombia, it would take a lifetime to see it all! Although we enjoyed seeing a new part of the world and experiencing the culture of our girls, it didn't take long for us to become desperately homesick. Nothing can prepare you for being away from everything and everyone you know for 6 weeks.  After our bonding interview we waited 3 more weeks for our court date.  On March 13, we met with the judge assigned to our case to sign sentencia.  He was truly one of the kindest men I have ever met.  He went above and beyond his "duty" and made our day in court a true celebration.  It was a very special day we will never forget!  We could never say enough about his kindness and dedication.  After sentencia we scurried about to have new birth certificates made so we could apply for the girls' passports and visas.  Because the girls were born outside of Bogotá a courier was sent to have the new BCs made in their place of birth. We received the new BCs the Saturday after sentencia and applied for passports on Monday, March 18th.  Thankfully, in Colombia it only takes 24 hours to have passports made so we received those the next morning.  We were able to get an appointment with the U.S. Embassy for Wednesday, March 20th, which was the final step before we could head for home.  We received their visas the very same day, in fact it only took about an hour! With visas in hand, we were able to book our flights that very night.  We quickly packed up the entire apartment and managed to make it to the airport just in time to board the plane to Panama where we spent the night waiting for our next flight to Houston, TX.  When we landed in Houston we went through immigration with no delays and made our final connecting flight to Baton Rouge.  On the evening of Thursday, March 21, 2013 we were finally HOME!

We have been home for exactly 9 weeks.  We have experienced ups and downs, joys and sadness, but through it all we are being conformed to the image of our Lord, Jesus Christ.  Although we feel privileged to serve our Lord in this tangible way, nothing about this is easy.  But, in the difficulties, in the times where we are overwhelmed, we learn to trust God.  We learn to depend upon Him and we walk with Him unlike we ever have before.  All along we have known the obvious purpose for adoption: to care for those who have been abandoned that they might experience the love of God, but the purpose that was unknown to us before, that has become so apparent now, is the change that God intended for us.  God chose us for these girls, but He has also chosen them for us.  He chose them for us that we might experience Him in all of His glory and learn to love as He loves.  His purpose has always been two-fold.

Not only is God's purpose two-fold, but our story is now two-fold, actually it is four-fold.  Which brings me to the point of my blog post today.  There are many stories I could tell about what our family has experienced in the last 4 months, but the stories aren't only mine to tell.  You see, now our story involves 2 others and we have to give them the choice of telling or not telling it.  It would be unfair to them for me to bear it all on the world-wide-web for anyone who comes along to read.  So, Blaine and I have chosen to protect them and to keep our family matters just that.  One day, when our girls are old enough, should they choose to tell the story of their adoption, the story will be theirs to tell.  Until then, the book will remained closed.

You may still see a blog post from time-to-time, an update here and there, so be on the look-out. :) Until then we leave you with our heartfelt thanks for all of the prayers and support you have given.  Our family is forever changed because of your kindness!

the Precious

January 14th: I-800 approved
January 24th: received our visas and our girls were transferred from their region to Bogotá
January 25th: saw our girls for the first time, via Skype
February 6th: TRAVEL

As we continue to see God's grace unfolding before our eyes, it causes me to reflect back on the last 5 months (and even years) and everything God has done to bring us to this very moment in our lives. Standing, as it were, on the hill top looking back over the journey that brought us here (the valleys, the pits, the rocky climbs) I stand in pure and utter amazement at the work God has done.

It is no secret that when we began our adoption 16 months ago, we had an infant in mind. God quickly began to change that as He reminded us of the worldwide need for all ages. We settled in to our commitment of siblings: up to 3, but under 8 years old. What I realize now, that I didn't then, is that I was still holding on to age. I had never really let go of it, I only thought I had. As it seems, God would not let me rest until I had surrendered all to Him - ALL, not some. It wasn't until these 2 girls came across our path that I came face to face with this reality in my heart.

It is true that we felt compelled to help these girls. We wanted to be the ones to provide a loving home for children who had been cast aside. But to be totally honest with you, even in the midst of compelling feelings, I was terrified to let go of "my picture" (ya know the one with little ones toddling around). I wanted to be the one to say "YES, God, I WILL GO" no matter what the question was. But, there was a weakness in my heart that wouldn't afford me that courage. So began the wrestling match between the two sides of my heart; the one side who desired greatly to be bold for the Lord and to follow Him anywhere, and the other side who drowned in doubt and thought of every excuse. I remember literally walking and talking with the Lord concerning this decision. I walked and prayed, walked and prayed, walked and prayed, until I found peace. God used the story of Abraham to speak peace to my heart. When God called Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, He was calling him to sacrifice what was most precious to him. It was only when he was willing to give up what was precious to him that God gave it back to him. Sometimes we have to give up our precious thing in order to be obedient to God. My precious thing was the longing to watch a child grow from infancy - to experience the joy of first steps and first words. But giving up my precious thing was the requirement for obedience. If I could paint a picture of my personal journey throughout this adoption it would be the Lord stretching out His hand to me, and in my hesitation to take His hand, The Lord saying to me Don't fear, I won't leave your side, take My hand, trust Me. I have great hope that, like Abraham, God will return what is precious to me in time.

In the meantime, God has given us a new kind of precious in the form of 2 beautiful girls, ages 10 and 12. It is beautiful to consider that at the time God was bringing Blaine and I together, one day to be husband and wife, He birthed our daughters into the world 2,000 miles away. Only God could write a story that beautiful! We are looking forward to turning the page and entering the new chapter of our lives as parents. After 7 years of waiting, it all comes down to 2 more days. In 2 more days the parent chapter will finally become a reality. 

A Different Picture

It has been exactly 4 months since we've written a real update. There's so much to say, I don't quite know how to begin. In our last post we shared about our struggle with waiting on the Lord and His timing. We were desperate to fit this adoption into our own timeline instead of yielding fully to Him and whatever timeline He chose for us. Even though it's apparent that we didn't finalize our adoption in 2012, God did answer us within 3 weeks, just as we were hoping. 

Shortly after we were assured of God's promise in Jeremiah 33:3 "I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not" we received an email containing a link to a wait-list of children in Colombia. It contained the profiles of children who were unable to be matched (some due to age, others due to medical conditions). We glanced through the profiles, mostly out of curiosity at first. But, we went back to the list of children again and again, always to the same 2 sisters. Although the girls were outside of the age parameters we had initially set for ourselves, we still felt compelled to inquire about these sisters, and so we did. We received a document containing basic information about the girls (temperament, personality, etc.) and we found ourselves excited about the prospect of these 2 girls in our home. We took some time to pray about it and sought the counsel of our family and friends. It wasn't easy to sort through all of our emotions in order to come to a clear headed decision. After all, this picture looked a lot different than the first picture we had in mind. In some ways it was easier; 2 children instead of 3, in other ways it was harder, older children instead of younger. But through it all, we both felt the Lord giving us a heart for these girls. 

After some time to think things through, we contacted our agency to see what we would need to do to move forward with the girls. We were told that we would need to update our homestudy and I800A because of the age difference and number of children. As we began to wrap our minds around this change in our journey, our agency contacted ICBF (child welfare services) in Colombia to inquire about the girls. Upon their inquiry, they discovered that the girls were in a hosting program and were scheduled to travel to the U.S. over Christmas. Initially we thought ICBF would bypass the hosting program in order to place the girls with a family. However, we received word that they wanted to keep the girls in the program. They told us we could wait until they returned to Colombia at the first of the year, and that if the host family declined to adopt them, then we could proceed with adopting them. But, in the meantime we would have to wait. We were devastated with this news and became unsure of our next steps. Should we wait, in hopes that the host family would decline to adopt them? What if we waited 4 months only to find out that the host family decided to adopt? Then again, what if we chose to move forward with another sibling set and then discovered that the girls were available after all? It was an impossible choice to make! 

Many tears were shed and many prayers were prayed as we felt paralyzed and unable to make a choice. We both felt the Lord leading us to these girls... could we have been wrong? Did we misunderstand? In the midst of our confusion, one thing became clear... only time would tell. We would wait upon the Lord; if He sent another sibling set our way, we would know He meant them for us and He meant the girls for the family that hosted them. We could only trust HIM as we settled into His arms for comfort and peace.

Then out of the blue... on an ordinary afternoon in the last week of September, my cell phone rang. It was a call that changed our life forever. It was like time stood still as I heard the words from our case workers mouth... the host family fell through, do you still want to adopt the girls? We were absolutely stunned! There are no words to convey the joy we felt in that exact moment; joy that I'm sure will only be surpassed by the moment we see them face to face. There was no hesitation as we gleefully answered YES!!! And so began the final stages of our journey as we scurried to re-do our homestudy and I800A, which needed to be updated before we could proceed.

Initially Colombia wanted everything finalized before Christmas, but to our disappointment we experienced a few setbacks which prevented that from happening. Although the setbacks were frustrating, we were spared the ultimate set back of the judges strike, which took place during the time we would've been in country attempting to finalize. Many families were delayed in country for many weeks during the strike, and although our hearts went out to them in their struggle, we were inwardly thankful that God had spared us from this great difficulty. 

So what's happening now? You guessed it, we're still waiting! We sent off our U.S. Immigration paperwork just before Christmas and received word that they received it on Dec. 28th. Once that returns we will be able to travel to Colombia, which we expect will be around mid-February, but nothing is set in stone yet. ICBF has been on break for the holidays and won't return until next week, so we hope to know more when they return.

When you embark on an adoption journey you hear zillions of stories and receive unwarranted advice, but one thing is true... YOU MUST BE FLEXIBLE! Nothing ever happens how you want it to or when you want it to; it's always a little different than how you pictured it and little later than you expected it. But, it's a beautiful ride! :) This picture is definitely different than the one we started this journey with, but different as it may be, we couldn't be happier. We continue to covet your prayers. Our adoption journey may be coming to a close, but our journey as parents has just begun. We so appreciate your support thus far and we're eager to see what the Lord will do in the lives of our daughters.

Download the Re-release of Noel: A Collection of Christmas Melodies

1. Click "Buy This Album for $5.00" (all the tracks will then be checked off)

2. Click "Click Here To Order" (you will then be brought to the Website Music Player's order page)

3. Click "Click Here To Process Order" (you will then be brought to a page to confirm your order)

4. Click "Click Here To Confirm Your Order" (you will then be brought to Paypal.com where you can enter your credit/debit card information or you can sign into your Paypal account)

* A PAYPAL ACCOUNT IS NOT REQUIRED TO PURCHASE THIS ALBUM*

5. Click "Pay Now" (you will then recieve a receipt for your order)

6. Click the button "Click here to download songs" in order to download the album. (you will then be brought to the download page after everything is verified and processed)

* Please read all instructions before downloads, as it includes important information about downloading the album. *

Thank you for your support in the sale of Noel!

A special thanks to Dino Pagliardi at www.WebsiteMusicPlayer.com for his generosity and the donation of his services.

Click here to download the artwork and album insert for Noel

We'd like to say a BIG thank you to Chris Kimbrell for designing all of the artwork for the album.  

the Last 3 Months

The last 3 months have been a roller coaster for us. We have experienced so many changes and long to share every bit of what the Lord has done in our hearts... but the time has not yet come for us to do so. What we can share can be found on Noel: A Collection of Christmas Melodies, which we hope you will purchase for $5 as a way to support us in the final stretch of our journey. The re-release of this album contains as a very special announcement regarding our adoption as well as a bonus track. We hope you enjoy this album and that you have a very Merry Christmas!

To Those Who Wait

As we mentioned in our last post, in order to finalize our adoption this year we must be matched with a set of siblings by the end of this month. There are now only 21 days (3 wks) left in the month of September and our hearts are overwhelmed with anxiety and impatience. Even though we know in our hearts that God is in full control, we have yet to reach a place of peaceful rest in Him. To be honest, we are struggling. Although sometimes God allows us to struggle, we are not in the struggle alone. He reminded us of that just this morning. We opened Spurgeon's Daily Devotion to these words....

"I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not. Jeremiah 33:3

Prevailing prayer is victorious over the God of mercy... it enables the Christian to cover heaven with clouds of blessing, and earth with floods of mercy."

I am not what may be called "superstitious" or "mystical" however, I do find it interesting/comforting that the words we read this morning, which were ever so healing to our troubled hearts, are found in the 33rd chapter and the 3rd verse of Jeremiah. 3...3...3... Did you catch that? We have a timeline of 3 weeks to be matched with 3 children in order to finalize this year, and God used a verse from the 33rd chapter and the 3rd verse of the book of Jeremiah to comfort our hearts! I don't know how to interpret such a thing, or if there's even anything to be interpreted from it, but I do know that no matter what chapter, or what verse, or which book it came from, it IS a promise from God. Not a promise that we will be matched in 3 weeks, but a promise that He hears our cries and we are not forsaken... that He has a purpose and He WILL answer, in GREAT and MIGHTY ways that we know not. That is His promise!

We covet your prayers as we find ourselves in a familiar place... a place that we were in at this time a year ago... a place of waiting on the Lord. God used this song to comfort us then and He continues to use it to this day. He reminds us that He truly is good to those who wait...

Dossier Approved

On August 13, we received word from our caseworker that we were officially dossier approved! The most amazing part of it all was that there were no revisions requested by Colombia (there is usually a 75% chance that they will ask for revisions/additional information regarding your dossier)! We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was God’s provision for us, yet again. He has truly guided us on each step of this journey. Even when we step out in faith, not knowing what is ahead, He is ALWAYS the solid rock beneath our feet leading us on to the finish. 

If only you could see this story unfolding from our perspective. Only then could you truly experience the wonder of our circumstance and the outstretched arm of love and faithfulness extended to us time and again by our loving Father.  When we began this journey, almost a year ago, the estimated amount to complete the adoption of 3 children from Colombia was $38,000 ($26,000 in adoption fees and $10-12,000 in travel expenses). It was made known to us that this amount was an estimate and was subject to change. We never imagined that “change” could mean a decrease in the amount, but decrease is exactly what it did! I am not certain when the amount changed, but I am certain it was all of the Lord! The current estimate to complete the adoption of 3 children from Colombia is now only $26,000 ($19,000 in adoption fees and $5-7,000 in travel expenses)!!! This means that we are now ONLY $4,000 away from meeting our financial need! OUR GOD IS SO GOOD! 

We still have about 150 adoption t-shirts left. In hopes to sell the remainder of our tees, we will be at Loblolly Festival in Laurel, MS on October 6^th (the same festival where we began our fundraising adventures last year). If sold, the remaining tees will generate $2,200, which leaves only $1,800 to raise! Does that sound as amazing to your ears as it does to ours? We are TRULY blessed and forever grateful to the Lord for His provision through people like you, who have given SO much to help us fill our home with little ones! Thank you could never say enough!

We are excited to be near the finish line of fundraising because our referral (match) could literally come ANY day! It’s a relief to know that when that phone call does finally come, a lack of funds will no longer be an issue! PRAISE GOD! One thing that is pressing on our hearts is the timeline of the referral. In order for us to finalize the adoption this year, we will need to be matched by the end of this month. Of course, we desire greatly for the match to come quickly and for our families to experience these bundles of joy during the Christmas season, but of course we know who is in control of it all, right down to the smallest detail. We whole-heartedly believe HE WILL PROVIDE, and possibly in ways we could never imagine – we’ve already witnessed a financial miracle in this journey… and SURELY He is ABLE to do abundantly above what we could ask or think, so we trust Him and the time line He chooses.

Thank you in advance for your prayers….. we’re almost there!