Hard to live it - even harder to re-live it

It has been 4 months since my last post. I fully intended 4 months ago to begin opening up and sharing the "real" story of our adoption and what it looks like on a daily basis. I don't know how to explain why I haven't started sharing except that it is just plain hard. Hard to live it, even harder to re-live it. I spend most days looking forward to the little things that help me escape, like tending to my flower garden in the evenings or watching a cheesy love story on Netflix, and the thought of sitting down to write about things I've tried hard to forget sounds more like torture than therapy. But, I keep telling myself.... you need to do this, it will be good for you, it will be good for others, so here I am again.

I find it difficult to know where to begin. The trouble with sharing something so deep is, to be blunt, it's a lot like throwing up, once you start you can't stop and you're left with a nasty mess to clean up! If I'm being honest, I am fearful of the nasty mess my sharing will leave behind. However, bottling everything inside feels like a poison eating away at my very soul. Regardless of how it makes others feel, or how it makes me "look," it must be said.

To avoid "word vomit" and scattered, disconnected rambling, I feel it best to use the video I shared in my last post, regarding reactive attachment, as a guide. In the video, Todd Friel listed 20 characteristics that are common in adopted children who experience reactive attachment. Out of the list of 20 characteristics, there are only one that we have not experienced with our girls. In the event that you haven't seen the video, the characteristics are listed below. I will choose at least one characteristic as a frame of reference for each blog post. 

I do want to point out that, no matter how negative some of these stories may be, I have never known the Lord like I know Him now. That is not to say I have achieved perfection in my walk with Christ, but it is a confession that I have never needed Him the way I need Him now. I can say with full confidence that His strength is made perfect in my weakness, because I am so weak. No matter how difficult my days are, I lay my head on the pillow each night knowing He has called me to this task and He is refining me through the flame, and to know Him and to experience Him in this way is worth all of the pain - ALL of it. I hope that sharing my experiences can, in some way, be an encouragement to someone who is struggling to hold on to the Lord in the midst of their "storm." He is near. It is dark, but He is near. Hold on to His promises.

20 Characteristics of Reactive Attachment:

1. Superficially engaging and charming
2. Lack of eye contact on parent's terms
3. Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers 
4. Not affectionate on parent's terms
5. Destructive to self, others, and material things
6. Cruelty to animals
7. Lying about the obvious
8. Stealing
9. No impulse controls
10. Lack of conscience
11. Abnormal eating patterns
12. Poor peer relations
13. Preoccupation with fire
14. Preoccupation with blood and gore
15. Preoccupation with bodily functions
16. Persistent nonsense questions and chatter
17. Non-stop demanding of attention
18. Triangulation of adults
19. False allegations of abuse
20. Creating chaos